2022.05.12 良好亲子关系的关键？低期望值。

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HOW TO BUILD A LIFE
The Key to a Good Parent-Child Relationship? Low Expectations.
Imperfect people can still enjoy a satisfying and healthy bond.

By Arthur C. Brooks
Two young adults blow small smiley faces into the face of their mother.
Jan Buchczik
MAY 12, 2022, 6 AM ET
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A smiley face
“How to Build a Life” is a weekly column by Arthur Brooks, tackling questions of meaning and happiness. Click here to listen to his podcast series on all things happiness, How to Build a Happy Life.

Young people “are high-minded, for they have not yet been humbled by life nor have they experienced the force of necessity,” Aristotle wrote in Rhetoric. “They think they know everything, and confidently affirm it.” When people my age complain about “kids these days,” they are often taking an indirect swipe at their own young-adult children. I can just imagine what Aristotle’s son, Nicomachus, must have felt in return: Dad probably dispensed unwelcome advice (“No one will ever hire you if you go around with your chlamys hanging off like a common delinquent”), made Nicomachus feel guilty (“Would it kill you to visit a poor proxenos now and then?”), treated him like he didn’t know anything (“I wrote the Nicomachean Ethics—you might have a peek at it”), and raised topics he didn’t want to talk about (“Should I hold a spot for you this year at the Lyceum?”).


I hear both sides of this story in my work. My research focuses on happiness in the second half of life, and I teach happiness to young adults. What I hear from them matches the broader lessons from research on parent-child relationships: They are one of the most important contributors to the well-being of both generations. When they’re good, they’re great—young adults and their parents perceiving their relationship as good has been associated with low psychological distress and high life satisfaction. But they can also be one of the most strained bonds in a parent’s or child’s life.

Whether you’re a parent, an adult child, or both, you have the power to make things more harmonious and reap all the benefits of a strong bond. To achieve that, you must do something counterintuitive but simple: Lower your expectations. Neither parents nor adult children have to be perfect for the relationship to be satisfying and healthy. With lower expectations, you can break out of childhood dynamics (yours and theirs) and form a bond based on mutual respect as adults.

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Even in the best of situations, tension between adult generations in a family is normal. In one pair of researchers’ words, many parent-child bonds are frayed by “the give-and-take between autonomy and dependence and the tension between concern and disappointment.”

One common source of tension stems from misalignment between how adult children and their parents view their relationship and the roles that they each play—in other words, mismatched expectations. Parents may think that the relationship is more harmonious and enjoyable than their adult kids think it is, while grown children may view the benefit of the bond in terms of exchanges of assistance. In Aristotelian terms, you might say that parents see the relationship as more intrinsic; the kids see it as more instrumental. Meanwhile, children tend to think that they are doing more to help than their aging parents think they are. And fathers report higher levels of involvement in the relationship than their adult kids perceive. All of this can create resentment, which is only natural when people you love fail to meet your expectations; it is all the worse when the other party doesn’t even seem to notice.

Other areas of unmet expectations are common as well: Adult children can seem unambitious to parents who struggled to make ends meet early on; they might forgo marriage or children to their parents’ disappointment or disapproval. Parents might withdraw financial support in a way that seems selfish to grown kids, or appear more interested in their own lives than those of their children and grandchildren.


The most extreme form of unmet expectation is a values breach, in which the adult child rejects something about the parent’s core beliefs. This can rupture the relationship entirely, and it is strikingly common. Researchers writing in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2015 found that about 11 percent of mothers ages 65 to 75 with at least two grown children were totally estranged from at least one of them. They found that a values conflict (such as hanging with the “wrong” crowd) was at the root of many of these estrangements, while violation of social norms (for instance, dropping out of high school) usually was not. For adult children, this means that your mother (or father) probably cares more about what you believe and how you express it than how you live.

Read: A shift in American family values is fueling estrangement

Waiting for your parent or child to get their act together is probably not a recipe for success in your relationship. Research shows that many parent-child relationships remain strained as everyone involved ages—a phenomenon partly explained by a theory known as the “developmental schism hypothesis.” Taking action is important. I recommend employing the following three strategies, which curtail three common, harmful patterns.


1. Don’t try to read minds.
As the years go by, many families fall into a tendency to assume that communication need not be spoken—that everyone understands one another without saying anything. This is an invitation to miscommunication. Evidence shows that it’s best to have a clear family policy of speaking for yourself and listening to others. One way to do this is with regular family meetings, where each of you can air issues that are on your mind before they fester into a major problem or misunderstanding. The key isn’t asking anyone to change their reactions to your actions or feelings; it’s to give them the chance to hear your side of things and respond before you start assuming that you know what their response will be.

Read: The secret to a fight-free relationship

2. Live your life, but don’t ask them to change their values.
Estrangement within families is a tragedy—perhaps inevitable in cases of abuse, but avoidable in so many clashes of pride. You have to decide yourself whether a schism is warranted, but as the study above suggests, aging parents are likelier to accept lifestyle choices that they disagree with than accept their kids telling them that their values are wrong, which they might perceive as a personal rejection.




Perhaps this sounds morally inconsistent or even hypocritical, but it isn’t. I hold a lot of values that I do not share with loved ones. I can still coexist permanently with these differences of opinion without feeling hurt or angry, precisely because I don’t expect anyone else to change their mind. And because I don’t insist on agreement, there is no reason to fight.

Read: A gentler, better way to change minds

3. Don’t treat your family like emotional ATMs.
When people treat their family as a one-way valve of help and advice—usually, parents giving and children receiving—the resentment tends, ironically, to go both ways: Visits and calls become tiresome, repetitive interviews instead of conversations. My belief is that this stems from a stunted development in the relationship. For example, perhaps mom and dad still treat you like a youngster; meanwhile, you rarely or never ask about their lives or take a true human interest in them.

Rather than expecting your family members to be bottomless fonts of help and wisdom—or to learn to stop giving you unsolicited advice all the time—take the lead by treating your family the way you do your friends, both generously giving and gratefully accepting emotional support. Research shows that the relationship can be greatly enhanced when adult children and their parents treat each other as individuals with past histories and limitations; in other words, as peers.


If your relationship with your parents or adult kids is especially difficult, working to improve it might feel like a lost cause. But giving up would almost certainly be a mistake, because “those people” are either your past or future self. According to the behavioral geneticist Robert Plomin, our cognitive skills, interests, and personality traits all tend to resemble our parents’ more and more as we age. As a young man, I thought I was quite different from my father; now I hear his voice almost every time I open my mouth.

Your kids provide a rare glimpse of your own past; your parents, of your future. Giving that up means losing insight into yourself, which is a lost opportunity to gain self-knowledge and make progress as a person. Lowering your expectations and loving them despite their faults may well be the best investment you ever make.

Arthur C. Brooks is a contributing writer at The Atlantic, the William Henry Bloomberg Professor of the Practice of Public Leadership at the Harvard Kennedy School, and a professor of management practice at the Harvard Business School. He’s the host of the podcast series How to Build a Happy Life and the author of From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life.




如何建立生活
良好亲子关系的关键？低期望值。
不完美的人仍然可以享受令人满意的健康关系。

作者：Arthur C. Brooks
两个年轻人对着他们母亲的脸吹小笑脸。
扬-布赫齐克
2022年5月12日，美国东部时间上午6点

"如何打造人生 "是阿瑟-布鲁克斯的每周专栏，解决意义和幸福的问题。点击这里收听他关于所有幸福事物的播客系列节目《如何打造幸福生活》。

亚里士多德在《修辞学》中写道："年轻人 "心高气傲，因为他们还没有被生活磨练过，也没有经历过必要性的力量。"他们认为自己知道一切，并自信地肯定这一点。" 当我这个年龄的人抱怨 "现在的孩子 "时，他们往往是在间接抨击他们自己年轻的孩子。我可以想象亚里士多德的儿子尼科马库斯一定会有怎样的感受。爸爸可能会给他一些不受欢迎的建议（"如果你像个普通罪犯一样挂着你的下体到处走，就不会有人雇用你"），让尼科马库斯感到内疚（"你偶尔去拜访一个贫穷的亲戚会死吗？"），把他当成什么都不知道的人（"我写了《尼科马科伦理学》，你可以看一看"），并提出他不想谈论的话题（"今年我应该在莱塞姆为你留个位置吗？"）。


在我的工作中，我听到了这个故事的两面性。我的研究重点是人生后半段的幸福，我向年轻的成年人教授幸福。我从他们那里听到的东西与关于亲子关系的研究中更广泛的教训相吻合。他们是两代人的幸福的最重要的贡献者之一。当他们好的时候，他们是伟大的--年轻的成年人和他们的父母认为他们的关系是好的，这与低心理压力和高生活满意度有关。但是他们也可能是父母或孩子生活中最紧张的纽带之一。

无论你是父母，还是成年子女，或者两者都是，你都有能力让事情变得更加和谐，并收获强大纽带的所有好处。为了实现这一目标，你必须做一些反直觉但简单的事情。降低你的期望值。无论是父母还是成年子女，都不需要完美无缺，这样的关系才能令人满意和健康。随着期望值的降低，你们可以打破童年的动力（你们的和他们的），并在相互尊重的基础上形成一个成年人的纽带。

想了解亚瑟的最新写作情况？注册后，每次有新的专栏出来，都会收到一封邮件。


即使在最好的情况下，家庭中成年一代之间的紧张关系也是正常的。用一对研究人员的话说，许多父母与子女之间的联系因 "自主与依赖之间的取舍以及关切与失望之间的紧张关系 "而变得脆弱。

紧张关系的一个常见来源是成年子女和他们的父母如何看待他们的关系和他们各自扮演的角色之间的不一致，换句话说，不匹配的期望。父母可能认为这种关系比他们的成年子女认为的更和谐、更愉快，而成年子女可能认为这种关系的好处在于交换援助。用亚里士多德的术语来说，你可以说，父母认为这种关系更具有内在性；而孩子们则认为它更具有工具性。同时，孩子们倾向于认为他们所做的帮助比他们年迈的父母认为的要多。而父亲报告说，他们在关系中的参与程度比他们的成年子女所认为的要高。所有这些都会产生怨恨，当你所爱的人未能满足你的期望时，这是很自然的；当另一方甚至似乎没有注意到时，情况就更糟糕了。

其他未满足期望的领域也很常见。成年子女对早年为生计而奋斗的父母来说，可能会显得没有雄心壮志；他们可能会放弃婚姻或孩子，让父母感到失望或不认同。父母可能会以一种在成年子女看来很自私的方式撤回经济支持，或者看起来对自己的生活比对子女和孙子女的生活更感兴趣。


最极端的未满足期望的形式是价值观的破坏，即成年子女拒绝父母的核心信仰。这可能会使关系完全破裂，而且这种情况非常普遍。研究人员于2015年在《婚姻与家庭杂志》上撰文指出，在65至75岁的母亲中，约有11%的母亲至少有两个成年子女，她们至少与其中一个完全疏远。他们发现，价值观冲突（如与 "错误 "的人群混在一起）是许多这些疏远的根源，而违反社会规范（例如，从高中辍学）通常不是。对于成年子女来说，这意味着你的母亲（或父亲）可能更关心你的信仰和你如何表达它，而不是你如何生活。

阅读。美国家庭价值观的转变正在助长疏离感

等待你的父母或孩子振作起来，可能不是你们关系成功的秘诀。研究表明，许多亲子关系随着每个人的年龄增长而保持紧张--这一现象在一定程度上被称为 "发展分裂假说 "的理论所解释。采取行动是很重要的。我建议采用以下三种策略，这些策略可以减少三种常见的、有害的模式。


1. 1.不要试图读心术。
随着岁月的流逝，许多家庭陷入一种倾向，认为沟通不需要说出来--每个人都不需要说出来就能理解对方。这是对错误沟通的一种邀请。证据显示，最好是有一个明确的家庭政策，即自己说话，听别人说话。做到这一点的一个方法是定期召开家庭会议，在会议上你们每个人都可以在问题发酵成重大问题或误解之前说出你们心中的想法。关键不是要求任何人改变他们对你的行为或感受的反应；而是在你开始假设你知道他们的反应之前，让他们有机会听到你对事情的看法和回应。

阅读。一个没有争吵的关系的秘密

2. 过你的生活，但不要要求他们改变他们的价值观。
家庭内部的疏远是一个悲剧--也许在虐待的情况下是不可避免的，但在许多自豪感的冲突中是可以避免的。你必须自己决定是否需要分裂，但正如上面的研究表明，年老的父母更可能接受他们不同意的生活方式选择，而不是接受他们的孩子告诉他们他们的价值观是错误的，他们可能认为这是个人的拒绝。




也许这听起来在道德上是不一致的，甚至是虚伪的，但这并不是。我持有很多不与亲人分享的价值观。我仍然可以与这些意见分歧永久共存，而不会感到受伤或愤怒，正是因为我不期望其他人改变他们的想法。而且因为我不坚持达成一致，所以没有理由吵架。

阅读。一个更温和的、更好的改变思想的方法

3. 不要把你的家人当做情感的提款机。
当人们把他们的家人当作提供帮助和建议的单向阀门时--通常是父母提供，子女接受--讽刺的是，怨恨往往是双向的。访问和电话成为令人厌烦的、重复的访谈，而不是对话。我相信，这源于关系的发展受阻。例如，也许妈妈和爸爸仍然把你当作一个年轻人；与此同时，你很少或从未问过他们的生活，或对他们有真正的兴趣。

与其期望你的家庭成员成为无底的帮助和智慧的源泉，或者学会停止一直给你提供不请自来的建议，不如带头像对待朋友一样对待你的家人，既慷慨地给予又感激地接受情感支持。研究表明，如果成年子女和他们的父母把对方当作有过去历史和局限性的人，换句话说，当作同龄人，关系就会大大加强。


如果你与父母或成年子女的关系特别困难，努力改善这种关系可能会觉得是一个失败的事业。但放弃几乎肯定是一个错误，因为 "那些人 "要么是你的过去，要么是未来的自己。根据行为遗传学家罗伯特-普洛明（Robert Plomin）的说法，随着年龄的增长，我们的认知技能、兴趣和个性特征都越来越倾向于与我们的父母相似。作为一个年轻人，我认为我与我的父亲很不一样；现在我几乎每次开口都能听到他的声音。

你的孩子为你自己的过去提供了难得的一瞥；你的父母则为你的未来提供了一瞥。放弃这一点意味着失去对自己的洞察力，这是一个失去了获得自我认识和作为一个人取得进步的机会。降低你的期望值，尽管他们有缺点也要爱他们，这很可能是你做出的最好的投资。

阿瑟-C-布鲁克斯是《大西洋月刊》的特约作家，哈佛大学肯尼迪学院威廉-亨利-彭博公共领导力实践教授，以及哈佛大学商学院管理实践教授。他是播客系列节目《如何打造幸福生活》的主持人，也是《从强到强》的作者。在人生的后半段寻找成功、幸福和深刻的目标。